Social Outcast

Just came across a revelation today...social networking isn't designed for people like me. Even though i'm a social butterfly, my wings always wind up flapping in the faces of voyeurs.


That's fine if my followers are Peeping Tom's, keeping their opinions to themselves, the watchers, the easily distracted, the easily entertained at a daycare, sitting in a huddle, listening to the passing bag lady weave tales of awe and awkwardness, a big pinwheeled lollipop in one of their hands and a huge styrofoam mascot-type thumb over the other.


Luckily I haven't gotten to the point where I talk to walls or other inanimate objects. (Although I do have a tendency to keep talking after a person has walked away just to get my point across, or inspire listeners to pray they contract a nagging case of Attention Deficit Disorder in order to tactlessly change the subject entirely) In fact, at this point, some readers may have already stopped reading, or simply stopped paying attention to the meaning of the english language altogether. But to those troopers desperately and morbidly curious enough to stick around for the trainwreck, you are in for a real treat. I can't guarantee it won't be filled with empty calories, however.




I sit here on the bus on this mostly cloudy Saturday afternoon. I just finished nearly five hours of voluntary overtime. A headphone-clad coworker at one point started singing country music as loud as she possibly could, piercing the tense silence...
clacking fingertips on keyboards suddenly stopped, nervous laughter ensued. The supervisor chimed in with nervous laughter for a moment, until the loud off-key yodeling persisted, until nervous laughter felt more like concerns she'd finally snapped, the slightly-strange-always-conservatively-dressed-colleague who'd always been teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
 Was today the day?
The supervisor's nervous laughter suddenly stopped. As she approached this mental tightrope act, I couldn't help but be reminded of the times I was acting obnoxiously as a kid in an attempt to distract my mother from remembering she told me to do something, only to be greeted with the simplest ultimatum of them all: "1...2..."
by the time she was thinking about the number 3, the coworker immediately stopped singing and said quickly
"Alright! I'm done. Seriously. I'm done"
...we all went back to what we were doing. Mind numbing data entry. It was almost legendary. Almost.




On my walk to the Metrolink, I stopped by a sandwich shop in the Union Station Tourist Trap Mall. I ordered a sandwich and wanted it exactly as it appeared on the menu board, so as to minimize confusion. The staff seemed to have no clue what really came on the sandwich, as they continually asked if I wanted toppings not listed and not asked for. Then, once I stated what I wanted on the sandwich, the cook still tried to put toppings on it that weren't listed and weren't asked for. I repeated what I wanted two more times, wondering if "not listed and not asked for toppings" was some sort of elaborate special order. When the cook was done, he slopped the sandwich in styrofoam, shoved the styrofoam in an oversized bag, and mumbled my order quickly before walking away...
Really? I asked for an item on your menu and suddenly i'm to blame that you have no idea how it's made? Why do ignorant people think their ignorance is a badge of honor? Why?
More importantly, why am I wasting money buying food that will make me unhealthy? In fact, why do I get irritated when some yank can't prepare my toxins to specification? Have I gone mad?


Somehow, I will find a way to eat food with simple ingredients that I have prepared myself. I have to. Laziness only breeds more laziness. From poor eating habits to lack of exercise. Period.


Later...


ok ok ok...As I ate my fast food sandwich all I could think was:
"Damn, this is the best toxin sandwich I've ever eaten!"


Even later...


hours have passed since that tastebud delight and I realize my mind was justifying being fed it's fix: "It has vegetables on it, it's good for me" ...Eve thought the apple was good for her when she bit into it...i'm just sayin'...


So anyway, as a result, I have come up with five simple rules for living:
1. Eat food that is simple, fresh, and prepared myself whenever possible


2. Stop watching so much television. When you are rating commercials from most to least favorite and have favorite programs each night of the week, it's simply too much!


3. Write more...hence: the reason for this blog


4. Get more rest. Dark circles under the eye, and that haggard ten-years-older expression is not a good look.


5. Exercise more. I do Darth Vader impersonations spontaneously now...need I say more